a first birthday, finally.

Marai’s first birthday celebration didn’t go as planned. He blew out the candles on the decadent espresso cake, one of three desserts one the table, and as the last off-key echoes of Happy Birthday died, the baby Carmelito picked the warm candles from the cake and sucked icing from the ends. I grabbed Marai’s hand and brought him back to the table. There’s another custom you must know, I said.

The Lybian/Egyptian Portlander sucked icing off his birthday candles and the partygoers laughed. Cameras flashed. Are you laughing at me, asked Marai with an accent that brought us all to a far away land, to a sultan’s tent, to camels and desert dunes unfathomable. A diligent and curious student of culture, he asked about the apparent cultural differences between our worlds rather than take offense. He’s thirty-five, or thirty-eight, depending on which passport is in his pocket, and celebrated his first birthday party with a gesture of trust.

Who of us knew Marai? How did we meet him? Question of the night. A reaching across entire communities, philosophies, and ways of being. We met in a cafe. On the street. We heard his voice at a dance jam (“I am honored to be here,” he had said, “This is a YES!”), and showed up at his house two weeks later. He opened the door with open arms. Sometimes we misunderstand each other, and work through it over tea and ice cream. We show each other our flaws and ask, can you love and accept me now?

Last night people who would not normally resonate communicated through a fiber optic thread named Marai (that’s muh-RYE), a being of light that transcends its lamp and shines shamelessly.

Happy birthday, my friend, Happy birthday. You came into the world today, like the first chapter of a novel you’ll never stop writing.

Free: Knowledge!

Two months ago, I was sitting on the toilet enjoying a moment of peace when a sudden feeling of stupidity came over me. The bathroom fan sucked up the pungent scent of my shit, and with it my intellect. My thoughts became mush, which stuck to the sides of the three-foot-deep plastic sink like dried razor hair. I couldn’t conjure words, book titles, or a single philosopher’s name, and was hard pressed to remember how many of the dozens of coups in Latin America alone the CIA has admitted to helping execute in the last century.

Oh yes, zero. Beside the point.

I felt more than a mere lack of knowledge; I thought I’d lost my need for a breadth of knowledge and understanding. Life had grown entirely devoid of intellectual stimulation past that of my daily philosophies on how to manage energy, a topic I by that point had earned a scribbled honorary doctorate in. Heather’s and my conversations have always penetrated to the core of the issue; when they do not, one or both of us feel like we’re missing out. Such a dedication to working out and solving problems has propelled us through and past emotional turmoil and catastrophes that I’ve seen break up marriages. I say this not to boast, but to give you an idea of how much exercise we give our vocal cords. Voice yoga, you might call it. So much of this talking about myself, however, led to an awful drought in learning about things outside my cute Portland bubble of positive experience, delicious local, organic food, and healing walks along the Willamette; all for which I have infinite gratitude – and, I could read more.

By the time I flushed, I had what I thought was a brilliant idea to get smart quick. Because my intellect and bank account were running in alignment at the time, going out and buying a bunch of smart people books wasn’t an option. And, the libraries in Portland seemed oddly deficient. Small, boring, and pastel tan, the corner store-sized venues of mystery novels, bestsellers, and children’s reading areas felt more like vessels for dozens of computers copiously occupied than community centers for knowledge and divine, cobwebbed shelves packed full of obscure literary criticism.

In part due to the vast success (and beautiful wooden shelves) of Powell’s Books, independent bookstores are scarce in Portland. Occasionally I’ve found a house converted into a used bookstore, old titles shoved into the deep crevices of not-anymore bathrooms and what were once children’s bedrooms, more stacked on staircases shaped more to shelve books than footsteps anyway. These comforting, homely places run by stressed women approaching menopause and lonely bearded men I worshipped in and visited infrequently. Used books were an option; after all, any reading is better than no reading.

I considered what I’d heard from so many college graduates since I deliberated taking the traditional college route: I’m so overloaded with debt, how will I ever find my way out, what did I actually learn, will I ever get a job, or, worse, I have a six digit debt, and no desire to pursue what I studied.

Years later, during my brief but dedicated foray into university life, I wondered, where did we find the idea that knowledge cost money? Was it sitting in a gutter somewhere, or did it spring up during an annual stockholder’s meeting? Did an entrepreneurial teacher think she could be better paid by her students than the Department of Education? It was a capitalist idea, to be sure. Plus, it’s free! This is America; we love free things, form ridiculous lines and arguments to obtain them. What makes a free tank of gasoline, or samples of cheese at a store more important than information? In some countries, education is downright illegal for women. The value then, to female students especially, increases exponentially. You wouldn’t see the students fortunate enough to be taught playing with their iPhones during class. I mean, have you read Reading Lolita in Tehran? It’s marvelous, and I’ve never once in my entire educational experience seen that kind of voraciousness for knowledge in a group of students.

Knowledge, as stated by countless smart people throughout history, is the most powerful tool, toy, and weapon available to a thinking species. It is why libraries exist; it is why the internet is the greatest revolution of our age. It is also free as hotel pens, restaurant toilet paper, and smiles. I don’t need a $100,000 piece of paper with my name and major written in calligraphy; I need what it represents! I need the visceral memory of being enraptured by William S. Burroughs when I was assigned Milton. I want to set up shop in a library row full of century-old leather-bound books, to run my hands along the spines and feel interpretations of Othello and Paradise Lost, to get lost in Latin American anarchist poetry and biographies of unstable dictators. America, you succeeded in convincing me that education was important, and actions speak louder than propaganda. 

My goal, I decided as I made my way from the bathroom to the living room, to make quality, focused education accessible to me. If I wanted to study something, I thought, I would delve into it, read, write about,  and learn it. And, if I felt so inspired, to write a song, or paint, about it. That is true integration for me; mastication and regurgitation of information never cut it. In school, I rebelled against academic writing in my papers simply to annoy my professors. They in turn refused to view my rebellion as artistic expression, and I received appropriate marks.

As with all of my great ideas, I told Heather my revelation, which wound up on a post-it note labelled ‘Research Days.’ I stuck the square sheet to a kitchen cabinet door, along with the first topic I wanted to learn about. The idea was to dedicate one or two days a week to researching a particularly interesting or unknown subject, and teaching each other what we’d learned in a fun and interesting way. Going to a coffeeshop to teach someone about body language is much more effective, for example, than making faces in front of a class, or explaining in a lecture that matching gestures indicates interest, or putting your hands behind your back during a conversation subtly shows superiority. How would we remember the zeros and ones so to speak, unless we gave each other and ourselves permission to get out of the lecture hall and watch people interact?

Do you ever wonder why we so coveted field trips in school? Of course not; they removed us from our normal learning environment, changed the scenery, provided opportunity to socialize with the outside world. All of the most obvious reasons! So why, if educators were so interested in providing quality educations, not apply this model as a form of schooling?

Thankfully, institutions like the Northwest Youth Corps established the OutDoorSchool on similar principles. ODS provides an academic foundation with a container of outdoor education, leadership training, work experience, and application. It is a credited high school able to grant credits, diplomas, and transcripts, leaving the social stigma and cultural associations of ‘alternative’ schools up to an open-minded public. If only I knew about places like this when I was 14!

The post it note is still stuck to the cabinet. Granted, the idea was a lot greater than the follow-through, but I have hope for my brain. Finding the methods by which I learn best helps (entire education methodologies have been developed on this subject alone – look into it!). Personally, I find inspiration in TED talks and well-written non-fiction (books such as Bananas by Peter Chapman and Lasso the Wind by Timothy Egan were integral in my desire to pursue writing), and many magazine stories, in such rags as Harper’s, Mental Floss, and one story in Mother Jones in particular have fascinated me beyond hope of repair. My brain will never be the same. My hunt for knowledge is on high. I am finally reading books I bought years ago, and wonder why I didn’t read it the day I got it?

Well, because I was meant to read it now. On the toilet. In grocery lines. While waiting for the food stamp or DMV people to call my number. When work is dull. When I’m pacing around the house looking for something to do and end up eating more out of boredom than hunger. Read a book. Break out the Kindle, or the Nook. Whatever your preferred medium (mine is paper and ink), carry it around, and in free moments, spend your time gathering ideas, so that when you go back to your phone, you have something titillating to talk about.

How do you acquire knowledge? Do you make time for reading books? Have your desires for new information continued past what you learned in high school and college?

time is running out

The weekend had offered more than we could handle: workshops on sacred sexuality; the New Warrior training with the ManKind project; the FisherPoets Gathering in Astoria; Fire Conclave practice; further recovery from the worst flu either of us had ever experienced. And I suppose I could have worked.

We’d been out of commission for two weeks, during which Heather took a road trip to California, and I shifted between the futon and the desk to edit my novel. The day after Heather returned, a dear friend stopped through Portland for a day, and work threatened our visit. I found him sitting in a Burger King on Hawthorne at ten at night, vagrants outside searching the trash cans for aluminum and cigarette butts. It wasn’t the first, or even the thousandth, place I’d expect to find Hargobind the Sikh yoga teacher who liked to discuss the intricacies of love and relationships over tea in the deserts of New Mexico. We all went for pizza instead.

Twenty four hours later, Heather and I sat in squeaky floor chairs in the old Masonic hall on 17th. A British woman rambled on about the secret sanctum (“do you know where that is, ladies?” she asked, giggling) and how it was impossible to reach Christhood if you’re not a priest or priestess. Occasionally her partner said something about embodying the masculine sexual expression, to which she rambled in response. Twenty minutes in, thirty-five of forty people were dozing off. I pretended to stretch and took a nap. Heather and I passed notes, which was okay because we sat in the back and weren’t bothering anyone. “Let’s go spin fire,” I wrote.

In the hallway dozens of photographs of prom queens decorated the walls. Names like Edna, Gertrude, and Esther matched the years in the captions: 1933, 1956, and through the ages. Sally smiled most recently, in 1994. Her teased blond hair glowed like 80s glam rock. The girls’ grandfathers’ photos adorned the opposite wall. I felt as if I was looking at a brick wall – rows of grumpy old white men in small glasses and corny suits hiding secrets in their kerchief pockets. I’m not sure they would approve of the candlelit woo-woo rambles in the other room. We left before the dead had their say in the matter.

From their we found the Watershed, an artist studio where some Fire Conclave people meet to trade spin tricks and show off their social awkwardness. The Conclave is a collective of jugglers, fire spinners (which includes staff, poi (think tennis balls on the end of a chain, one in each hand), hula hoops, bull whips, swords, and anything else you might want to set on fire and spin into shapes), and other circus arts performers who attenuate the flames at Burning Man, and make the world a beautiful place for acid trippers and children alike.

The next night, we’re sitting in Clemente’s, a restaurant in Astoria, Oregon, listening to FisherPoets read nostalgic passages of their seasons on the sea. Like the writers on the stages, we’ve got stories to tell, though we haven’t let thirty summers pass before we care to tell them. Though I’m ten feet away from the painted podium I can’t hear for shit; the sound man seems to have gone AWOL, and I check the PA system for syphilis. If only it was that good.

Later, a sexy fisherpoet named Tele (Norwegian for ‘tundra’), a Mat-Su valley girl who trolls out of Sitka, caught Heather’s eye, and we spent the next two hours tailing her words til she asked for our digits. Her musings on Home were as nomadic as mine, and after she read her essay I wondered what the hell I had to say anymore. Inspiration’s a bitch sometimes – she says ‘thanks for your attention, now go think something else.’ Like what? I need to find a day job, because this fishing thing is working out too well for me? I haven’t been doing it long enough to know anyone who’s drowned yet. (Though the skipper of the F/V Ark Angel was killed in a motorbike wreck in Thailand recently – does that count?)

I performed a piece for a poetry contest that ended the festival, and got a response from a 100+ person crowd any slam poet would likely cream his pants for. A twelve year old named Chloe took the contest, though, which might get her to take up poetry, or fishing. But I’m not sure how much money will be in either by the time she’s old enough to drink, a likely addiction of both professions. We took to the dance floor, then the road, and then bed, grooving to hip-hop beats and hopes that tomorrow we’d suddenly have more money in our pockets, more happiness in tow, and some resonance to flee with toward the fishing grounds.

Funny how we glide through experiences with the enthusiasm of travelers, adventurers, inventors, and our younger selves, asking the universe with sidelong glances how it could get any better than this before the madness slows, the highs and lows equalize, and we’re walking through the slurgi like companions of the day-to-day. With illnesses our bodies scream for attention – you’ve stressed me out, and now you’re gonna pay. Stare at the wall for a few days, slurp soup and eat vitamin C like candy, and I’ll think about letting you run through the hills, climb rocks, or see the sunset without seeing stars. Wait a minute. Your ambition is not as important as you think. Breathe in. Express. Breathe out again. Repeat.

And isn’t it funny how as soon as they let us loose again, were off for more adventures, impatient for experience. Connection, pizza, sex, fire, poetry. In two months I migrate to Alaska once again – for fishing, for writing, to bring in the abundance. The year is almost over, and it seems it’s just begun.

literacy rate: rare.

For weeks, nigh months, I’ve felt an intellectual drought. It has felt at times that out of a want to be clean, I’ve stepped into the bathtub, and, not knowing what to do once I got there, drowned.

It never occurred to me before to be ashamed, or embarrassed, of suicidal thoughts. Thank god, too, because that could have added a whole schema of complications that I was not prepared to cope with.

For days I’ve been sleeping with books. Thinking, if I spend enough time around them, maybe I’ll want to read more than a few pages. At home, true immersion rarely happens. You know, that Imustkeepreadingthisnomatterwhathappens feeling of being spun into a climbing rope long enough to rappel from your first LSD trip. I had that with The Chronology of Water recently. I wanted to make love to Lidia’s words so often I’m surprised Heather didn’t become concerned. Maybe she did. 

The point is, three pages of Wendell Berry and I’m at capacity for well-articulated thought. Inevitably, I get caught up in stories at friends houses, at parties, in hat shops where books are exclusively decoration. And just before I’m due for an appointment. In fact, that’s usually when I’m most productive: when I’m supposed to be somewhere else. For example; just three minutes ago I told Jordan I’d head to the climbing gym to meet him. I hung up, sat down, and started writing.

Something is seriously wrong here.

nonsense on high

I don’t know where to begin. Last night I found an amphitheater in a park disguised as a wall ball court. My newest best friend had let me take his golden retriever for a walk, and while she ran through the muddy night time park, I traced the lines between layers of brick and wondered where my voice belonged. I feel like I haven’t written in ages. Written for real, like translating the world into how I see it like some people do with music or with paint. For months I’ve hesitated to call myself a poet, for I felt that role belonged to people who did something tangible with words. Something real and unforgiving. I’ve been busy with forgiveness, molding a place for it into my stories and loves like some do with clay.

So while some compare what we have to what I’ve said I’ve had before, to what I have in the recent past longed for, to what they may not have had, I keep wondering what I’m changing into. The broom closet door creaks ajar, and I’m trying to keep up with the movement of the hinges.

I’ve disappeared into the cosmos. I keep rewriting stories. I wonder what those I’ve left behind think now. The drum beats hit the plaster with the sex sound of a snare. I think I’ve made my way downhill since we chatted with the mountaintop. Find the storm. It’s not far away. God damn, those we blame need our mercy more than most.

The rhyme and meter and rhythm flux, purpose, sense of humor laments the notebooks we’ve emptied into swamps. I climbed rock today with the weakness of a newborn child. Let the granite judge us hence. We’ve got handprints on the north face waiting for our fingers to take hold. Let me clear the woods of fog, and mistresses, hear this: what you see and what you hear are senses that I’ve missed. Remember all the nights we’ve spun fire with. They live in black and white and sepia, siding with their kin.

Licentious, squandered.

story lost and found.

I seem to have misplaced some of my travel experiences. The ones that didn’t make the cut of the Stories I Most Often Tell got lost in the ether somehow, or hide out quietly in the softer regions of my heart, unwilling to be told flippantly at a party by my blabbering mouth. No, they deserve more respect than that.

Three trips abroad, and I have used photography to focus less and less on me and my baggage. The last one, nearly a year living in Central America, I lost my camera early on, and haven’t looked through a viewfinder since. Before that, I used a stuffed spider named Boris to take my place in pictures taken in Amsterdam, Munich, Budapest. Wherever. I didn’t want to be a part of it. I thought I needed photos to make it real. I didn’t. I needed me to make it real.

The memories themselves I haven’t forgotten – I remember the smell of sulfur at Dettifoss in Iceland, as millions of gallons of water fell into a hellish abyss every second, and how the spray felt on my face, how it crept inside my rain coat and soaked my t-shirt. I remember my footsteps inching closer to the edge of the wet rock, and wanting to look farther down, as if the heavy mist would clear just for me, as if the water would stop falling just so I could feel the depth of its journey.

No, they’re not gone; they have woven into the fabric of my being, stretched my smile lines wider, found their way into my open wounds and spun fire with my DNA. They are as much a part of me as the blood pumping through my heart.

I read somewhere that new cells replace every cell in the human body every seven years. That would mean that I am entirely a new physical entity from who I was seven years ago. Bigger changes have occurred in the universe than my cellular reconstruction, like the Big Bang and the dying of certain stars. My gratitude for these catastrophes undulates between the depths of Dettifoss and the peaks of the mountains I’ve climbed in search of my shadow. With a constant practice of thanks I try to keep the waves down, but the wind works in mysterious patterns, and I don’t want the responsibility of controlling the weather. All I can do is say ‘thank you’ to the postman for bringing me words, and to the saxophone player on the west side of the Ross Island Bridge for playing his heart out even when it rains.

For a month I’ve been reading and playing around with The Artist’s Way, doing the necessary morning pages, and I’ve yet to take myself on an artist date. The idea, according to author Julia Cameron, is to set aside specific time for yourself to do whatever you desire: go to a museum, go for a hike, trip out on people in a coffee shop, masturbate – absolutely anything to spark the artist within. It’s an active search for inspiration, and a practice of allowing what Is to channel through you. Let your inner child play. Let your inner artist create. Shut off the phone and the rest of the day, and give yourself the time you’d give to a lover. Drop off the face of the planet for a few hours, and love yourself.

Me, I’d like some time with a notebook and a pen. Or a computer that features only a word processor – no internet, no games, no distractions. I want to see what comes out. I’ve become friends with the wordpress ‘Add New Post’ page because it feels like an open forum. I don’t have to worry about who might read it, or who might not. It’s practice in sharing, like in kindergarten: here, look at this memory, looks at these words. They’re mine, and now they’re yours.

In the back of my mind I wonder how much I’m willing to share, how much would be safe to share, how much trouble would I get in if I shared everything. And I write somewhat regardless. Change some names, leave out others. Those I don’t share are my soap operas and moments I haven’t figured out what to do with.

I wonder what I could give more detail on. Probably everything. The magic, said someone speaking on James Joyce, is when a writer can completely recreate everyday life, and not miss a beat. Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man did that for me. So does Junot Diaz. I feel like I swim between them: convention keeps my voice formal (for example, I’m scared to dash my dialogue like I’ve wanted to do since I read You Shall Know Our Velocity!), and few things titillate me more than opening my voice up and writing a story exactly how I’d like to, tossing the rules out the window and writing the way that some have loved me for. If I were to listen to the advice written on the lululemon bag sitting on the floor collecting our rubbish, I would go do that. ‘Do one thing a day that scares YOU’ it says. I thought they should have emphasized scared, but that’s neither here nor there. I think I’m going to go write a story now.

happy new everything

The bathroom door slammed hard. I didn’t mean to do it. It was just loud. I walked to the mirror. I saw the toilet, the bathtub, the lovely tile floor in perfect incandescent lighting, all in watery ripples. It took a moment to realize that I was there. That I was happy. I smiled at the me in the mirror, and thought of the dance floor at the Portland Art Museum. The stilt-walkers playing trumpets. The feather headdresses and sequin trench coats. Rubber bodies bending backwards in a break dance to the March Fourth Marching band. I remembered the line at the door of the secret library, where they brought you in, sat you in a chair, and played beautiful music and lights next to your face, Clockwork Orange-style. Until you got the way they wanted you.

I saw a man dancing in the bathroom through the glass. He looked happy. Maybe brainwashed. Then he walked out of the bathroom and back into his bliss.

NaNoWriMo 2012: what the –

For thirty days I’ve toiled and written,
found each one better than the last.

Now, I’ve finished on pacific time
fifty thousand one hundred six
in microsoft word I have strong,
and at ten pm they cut me off.

Two time zones or so will keep me from an arbitrary emblem recognizing that I finished writing a fifty thousand word novel in thirty days. I did do this arduous task despite a two week road trip to California and wondrous connections and terrible traffic. It’s done. And on my watch, it is 11.35 pm on the 30th of november 2012.

To hell with recognition – I just wrote a novel. And I like it. Go me.

How to be present, and write a novel: an impractical guide to life.

My girlfriend Heather returned from Italy two weeks ago, and immediately suggested a road trip to California. “We have people who want to see us,” she argued. “And it’s Thanksgiving! It’ll be perfect!”

That’s how it happens: one moment, I’m hanging out in sleepy Sellwood, just blocks from the Willamette River, walking to cafes every day to pound out my daily 1,667 words for NaNoWriMo, and trying to quell my travel-envy for her 3-week, impromptu trip to Europe. “It’s not a vacation,” she told me, “it’s for work.”

As if hearing that would incline me less toward living vicariously through her. Our splotchy incoherent phone calls in the middle of the night were my covetous connection to international movement. Because of the novel, I swore to stay off facebook as much as possible for all of November, and to stay on track for my word count (meanwhile embark on a juicy road trip full of parties and dancing and tribe). Needless to say, my plan to keep focus hasn’t worked: on average I’ve been about 7,000 words behind, and have gone without writing a letter for days at a time. Now, I have three days to write 10,000. And here I am, writing a blog. Lovely.

Once again I’m just a few blocks from the water – but it’s the Pacific this time, and the surf washing up on the rocky Santa Cruz shores I can hear through the window. Heather and I spent two days on the Lost Coast, Big Sur, living mostly at night it seemed because in the light I holed myself up in a cozy cabin, smoked to trip-hop and old jazz, and wrote.

There’s a reason artists thrive in Big Sur, Henry Miller famous among them. I felt that I could spend ages there. Lifetimes, and not see it all. It reminded me of my favorite parts of the Scottish Highlands, bare fellsides and massive pine trees and the ocean crashing upon the cliffs below. I was running across the moors with herds of deer again, racing the oil tanker to Cape Wrath, where Robert Louis Stevenson spent his childhood with his grandfather the lighthouse keeper. I was alone on the moors as I was in the cabin, feeling the energy of the land around me, its magnetism. Rarely have I seen so well embodied a term I heard once from an ex-lover: seamountainsky. Neither co-existing or co-dependent, it is one entity; a focused, singular motion and stillness, like a film, with all the light and sound elements in just the right place to inspire catharsis, or nostalgia.

An hour before I left the wild central California coastline, because had I stayed another day I would have stayed a lifetime, I saw the cliffs’ dramatic fall into the sea, a walkable descent to the ocean. From our perch, Heather and I had woken up to spots of silver sunglare miles out to sea, and watched them chase us on the curvy, entertaining road north.

The road distracts and motivates me. I wonder if this trip was exactly what I needed: a hit of travel, a reminder that everything I want from life is mine at a moment’s notice, and that I don’t always need my passport to find it. I am pausing to consider my purpose. In the meantime, I will not stop following my heart. In the meantime of that, I have a novel to complete.

Tonight, we’re to have dinner with Roxanne, one of my favorite people. She’s a writer – she’ll get my slight disconnect, my mid-sentence wondering about the next chapter. And she’ll know that glint of being within grasp of victory, despite the distraction that travel provides so thoroughly.

I’m thankful for every moment, every misspelled word, the seminary at the top of the Berkeley hills, peace found in Bug Sur, this trip, and that yes, I will finish this.

word count: 41,471
goal: 50,000
days: 2

it builds character.

In the backyard, I hid behind a juniper with rocks in my pockets. My cousin Catherine played alone, fifty feet away, near the maple. I was eight, a professional baseball player, and the stones weighed down the confidence I had in my throwing arm. For want of a challenging target, I chucked a rock in Cat’s direction. I heard the creamy clack of my stone colliding with a landscape of other stones its size.

“Did I hit you?” I yelled after it.

“No,” Cat yelled back. “You better not!”

I waited a minute. Breathed deep. After six or seven exhales I was sure she’d forgotten all about me. I threw again. I listened for my target: the hard knock of stone-on-tree. The wood forgave me and bounced it off. Humans, I learned that day, aren’t quite as sturdy as trees.

I threw five rocks with Catherine as my target. As I did, I bore a self-doubt so intense that I didn’t think I was even able to hurt another person, let alone affect them in a positive way. What hope was there for me, in baseball or in life, if I couldn’t fling my energy in the right direction?

Number five hit skin and bone. It’s the kind of sound that sticks with you through thick and thin. She cried and suffered for a few moments, she ran inside to tell on me. What a fantastic dread. Guilt held my neck like a gangster, fear pouring out of his eyes and into mine.

I could have ran, but I knew that I’d be caught. I would face the judges our mothers, merciless creatures with painted nails. Every atom in my body knew that I wasn’t brave enough to run behind the red truck where the hole in the fence lead out to the street.

Because pleading and bribery were my last hope, I expressed to Cat sorrow and concern for what I’d done, and begged her to not tell. She saw my worry as genuine, but didn’t understand how I could have hit her with a rock and so quickly have a change of heart.

I had no faith in my potential to hit her that I didn’t believe I could, even if I tried. I tried, and succeeded. I made a difference in someone’s life. I was glad that I’d finally something I’d set out to do, but as I thought of this, staring into the corner of wall between the door to the garage and the garbage can, I wondered if it was the kind of difference I wanted to make. I was glad also that I could feel all the feelings around it, and know what it was like to pick the wrong side of right. It felt thrilling and dramatic.

My punishment was to kill the rest of the afternoon standing in the corner to think about what I did. The mothers tended to Catherine’s physical and emotional wounds just loud enough for me to hear the shame in their voices. Not only had I changed Catherine’s day, I’d shifted the energy of the entire household. Everyone went quiet when they would go near me. I wondered what showed on their faces, and lacked the courage to look.

My corner was in the main corridor of the house, between the living room and the kitchen. The adults either wanted to keep an eye on me, or publicly shame me (I’d just learned about flogging in a history book, and found the reality of it quite effective).

In four hours I counted to six hundred seventy-eight, made shadow puppets on the trash bin, and took as much of a nap as I could on two legs. They yelled at me for entertaining myself, poked my back for talking, and someone slapped me in the head for standing on one foot. The other leg had fallen asleep, so I did what I could to take care of myself while following the rules of the punishment.

Of course before we went to bed that night I was forced to tell Cat that I was sorry. I don’t remember the apology. Later she and I worked out a deal where I would play whatever game she wanted for a whole month (without complaining), in exchange for her forgiveness. Oddly, most games she wanted to play resembled chores.

Prepubescent girls take the game of House very seriously. One moment I’d bake cookies in a plastic oven, and then sweep the floor. I didn’t understand how it was a game, but acquiesced for her clemency. The shed in the backyard served as our playhouse, and her father’s gun storage. The man was a cop, and had enough guns to fight a war in the Middle East.

In her parents’ bathroom, an AK-47 leaned against the wall next to the shower. Handguns served as paperweights while Cat’s dad prepared for work, a tendency that for some reason involved setting down his police gear next to the front door while he made himself food. That routine changed the day Cat’s little brother picked up his father’s service weapon, and shot himself in the cheek.

Five-year-old Patrick saved his dad some guilt, and lived. Miraculously, the bullet tore only skin tissue on its way out the back of his neck. The hospital room felt most stoutly our parents’ relief. Anger overshadowed love.

His wounds healed faster than his families’. The incident was soon monikered “well, you know.” Beyond that, no one talked about it. The whole thing seemed to disappear when the bandages came off, and he felt well enough to go back to preschool. When we asked Patrick about it, he said he didn’t remember anything.

Everything went back to normal. There were still as many rifles as Barbie dolls in the playhouse, and suddenly there was a new object of shame in the house. Bullets did more damage than stones. I was in the clear.

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Theme: Esquire by Matthew Buchanan.

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