Heartening words, insignificant.
24 November 2009 § 1 Comment
My distractions have led me away from the dreams I have sought to transform, and my attention span testifies to its betrayal. But really, they are mine, one and all, because I lead temporary passions by a short leash until I see another sparkling orb of the unfamiliar and choose to follow it instead. Positions in and around fate are constantly changing, and I am subject to them, losing places as often as I lose myself. Regret is a fictional parade, and moves nowhere.
The West pulls at my heart as magnetism pulls me east, and understanding of this phenomenon eludes me, as does Focus. As a tumultuous result, inspiration tosses me about in ragtime, but I seldom bite back, or chase it – or always. Disappointment is legion, and only intentional breath levels me. For lifetimes I have retained the irritating inability to voice what it is I want regardless of expectation. Priority is a façade, and reflects only the bonds of responsibility. These I will not abandon, for they are mine, and belong to me, like truth does. More importantly, it and they belong to those around me, and I can affect them. I will affect them, because I gave my Word, and I pretend that means something. Somewhere, it does. To someone, whom I may or may not know yet, it does.
Escape is mine, and we have been friends often – but I have escaped the things I love, for reasons I can detail sonically only to myself, and it is my wish to discontinue this pretension, this flight, this grand alighting I have made ceremonious. Impossibility does not exist, and walking on the sun taught me that, while standing on mountains, walking away from that lake underneath the cliff – remember that? I do, and I have banished that memory for its happiness, for its contentment, and I have disputed my deserving of that day. But it, too, is mine, and is yours, too, if you want it.
Winter beckons. The snow and cold calls, and my dreams feature those lost to me. I intend to find that Focus, though we have never encountered one another – and there is only one place it resides, and this location claims no borders on any map, is not kept by governments, not managed by corruption, unlimited. I am boundless and do not know it, or it is taken for granted, not appreciated, not loved, and this is irreverent, depraved.
Presently, I make no oath to the god of change, unless he is me, and I am him. Perhaps we are, and I do. This line of breadcrumbs and featureless terrains I have followed in hopes of some fortunate event ultimately befalling me ends here, now. Faultlines are now marked, I have been down that road, thinking it was the one less traveled, that my passion and patience would reward some sacrifice, and I was mistaken. And maybe I will be again, and again after that, but to learn is my ambition, to inspire my infinite hope, and I cannot achieve these without Truth, or the pursuit of it. My capabilities are limited only by doubt, counterfeit instinct.
And I’ll heed no more of that, if I can help it.