a look back – and forward. and around – we’re where, again?

6 December 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m learning to appreciate this day. Heeth’s deathday comes once a year, a tragic clockwork. Every year, around the evening five o’ clock hour, no matter the setting or company, my mood spirals, fast and downward.

For everyone’s sake I usually try to avoid people for the whole of the anniversary; I’ve ventured to mountaintops most often, hoping against my dismal Christian upbringing that I will be closer to my dead friend that way. Too bad, the Church says, suicides don’t end up in Heaven. It’s been my excuse for eleven years to be alone today. This time, I spent it with Heather, trying to remember exactly how love felt even yesterday, and how it might again tomorrow. If you’re familiar with the concept of ‘holding space’, that woman is a master. She holds the world in her palm for me with a smile.

She gets it.

2012, by nature or circumstance, brought more change through my life than any single period of time, ever. It has been a lifetime containing many. I am grateful for every. single. one. “Time to lean into our edges,” said Sophia. I’ve done that at shovelpoint all year long, Panama to Miami and Asheville, Alaska to Burning Man, Vancouver to the Bay and Big Sur. And the Places – the myriad memory dots I connect to tell myself the story of my life – they’re just the beginning.

I hope that 6 December will be left out of the post-Mayan calendar. Solstice will be my redemption. If the world explodes and fire rains down, I’ll be on a snowy crag watching the world burn, smilingly.


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