onward and upward, always.
10 December 2012 § Leave a comment
On the Gratitude Trip to California (a fantastic journey south for Thanksgiving), I danced my legs from under me, had nightly epiphanies on the state of my world (some contradictory to others), said more “until next times” than I care to count, and finished a novel. In some ways it was the end of an era – my first year in festival culture and introduction to soul family and tribe (whom I’ve been subconsciously looking for all my life), but I prefer to think of it as a crux: the universe presented me with all I’ve ever wanted, and stood back to see how I would handle it.
A few days ago, I watched my good friend and dance partner Sacha – standing thumbward on the side of the road in rural California bound for the Himalaya in four days – shrink in the rear view mirror. In the eight months before, I played my part in the evolution of a counterculture that operates on the sole principle of people Being at their best. And I know these goodbyes are just beginnings. A seasoned gypsy asked me at Burning Man how long I’d been on the road. I told him. “Oh, you’re just getting started. I see it in your eyes.”
It’s my time to step up, to redefine myself as a man.
I am part of an undivided world – one that will flourish from my – and your – contributions. We have a choice. I’ve been playing one side of it for twenty-six years, and become well-versed in the ordinary, in self-deprecation, in fear of my potential. It was all words. Declaration after declaration pronounced in luscious, poetic, passionate language – all meant to pretty up the stories I was raised on.
I’ve fallen in love so many times I’ve forgotten what all with. No one ever told me there was more than one love (there’s a lot no one told me). I was well-practiced in the physical form, but didn’t know what to do with it in my heart. I’ve caused confusion and suffering in myself and others. I’m not sure that I’ve broken the habit.
In return, I have received only forgiveness and love, even gratitude. Such kindness does not bode well for a heart that once wished to remain foreverfractured. That’s not what I want anymore. I’m tired of resisting change, and am only weaker for it.
So -in light of the winter solstice, the end of the world, the Mayan Calendar, 2012, and my first quarter century or so, this is my promise to myself: I’m taking Running Away off the table. I will no longer use fear to option out of life, love, or happiness. I will communicate with clarity, compassion, and truth. I will pursue what I love, and my highest potential, whether it be traveling, writing, climbing, music, dance, or things I haven’t yet discovered. I accept peace into my mind. If I falter in these, I will be gentle with myself and others.
This is not a new year’s resolution; this is a portal – one that allows abundance and grace augmented by unfiltered, unabashed creativity and lagniappe. I am lifting the asphalt of my path and straightening it to my will. If it is to the peril of others, my deepest apologies and love be with them. They have done their part in getting me here, a place of constant growth and learning. There’s nowhere I’d rather be within myself.