i can do this better.

3 February 2013 § Leave a comment

My god, how the blank screen scares me!

Cursor. Cursor.


I don’t think of myself as an easily surpriseable person. Even the madness of Burner parties, like last night, with all the white clothing and black lights, grating house music, and the dance floor that more resembled a hallway through which drunk people stumbled, rarely leave me breathless. And afterward, walking the puke-strewn streets showed me things that were in my consciousness already, but that I normally ignore. People in white-rimmed sunglasses (automatically untrustworthy), $200 jeans and fuck-me pumps fascinate me with their slobbery tears that wash the vomit from their chins.

I live in a bubble of positivity and personal growth. When my shadows creep in, I acknowledge them with a sincere hello, and only if I’m feeling particularly delicate that day will I indulge them and shut out the world. Otherwise, it scares me how much that I ignore. Like the philosophy of the law of attraction: that which is like unto itself is drawn.

So, if I think a certain way and get my money in a certain way and celebrate and eat and drink and fuck in a certain way, that which is like unto my ways of being are drawn. A community welcomes me, and I welcome them. It’s like I arrived at the top of a proverbial mountain, into the 1% of people with whom I resonate, and there we stay, feeding each other things that make us feel good, and when problems arise, dealing with them how we do, with things like active listening, non-violent communication, and energy work. There is no right or wrong here – other bubble communities operate in a similar fashion: they absorb what information serves them, and filters out the rest. Some take in more or less than others. Again, there’s no wrong way, no insufficient amount.

That is, until we start doing things that affect those outside the bubble. Therefore, if I live in my own bubble, I’d better be a goddamned solitary person, because it does not serve me to harm others.

I am guilty of shirking this responsibility too often in favor of a given moment. I have played games with the trust of others in hopes that their love for me would eclipse whatever hurt I inflicted upon them. Games to which there have not been rules.

Listen. Can you hear the pieces cracking apart?

We’ve wedged dreams and hallucinations into most of our volatile parts, and then afterward denied the earthquakes and eruptions when they sent us news of our collapse. One study sought to prove that a gun shot near one’s head would surprise anyone. When the researchers visited Tibetan monks in mediation and shot a gun next to their heads, the mini-Buddhas didn’t flinch. They just noticed a noise that they couldn’t control: “so that just happened; move on; keep calm, carry on.”

Do the monks in their bubble ignore the world? Are they not surprised? If one learns that he is not a good or honest person, must he then pursue that path? And if he finds that true, are then the good things he has done dishonest? What about the other way around?

Here’s an opportunity to deal with hardship better than I have in the past. What do I do with it, and what does the other side look like?


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